do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
