I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
