if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Boobs speak an international language.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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