yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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