Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
