Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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