and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
do nipples grow back?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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