On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish life had little blips of pornography
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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