We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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