Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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