I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
