who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
