I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize