Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
