If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
