Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
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Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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