while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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