the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
