Need sex. Gaining weight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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