as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
