I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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