I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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