Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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