there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
