Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
