i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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