I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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