What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
