Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
