I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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