you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
