R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
