im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
