My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
