i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
