I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
