Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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