I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
