You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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