Sponge bath it is.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
