what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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