still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
