i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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