oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
