I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
