Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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