my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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