Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
