dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
what day is it and did you see me today?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
