you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
