I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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