She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
