im six kinds of drunk right now
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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