Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
