It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
